TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: present All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he should really halt making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the task, replied, "You are aware of, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Good tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head obvious from House, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Options


Probably the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which friends might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "If You Bomb It, They may Come"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Without end."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "in which's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is presently attracting attention from Global investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge the place my PTSD might have change-down service."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make Trump Tower Damascus a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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